Much like depression, loneliness cannot be detected without some degree difficulty. And yet, at the same time, a great many words can be used to paint a full and painful picture of what loneliness feels like: an agonizingly large void that exists inside one’s own chest which leaves the victim feeling desperate for indefinite relief or the feeling of having a fragile state of mind and body that can be easily snapped with the slightest use of force.
For me it was all of these and thankfully it was brief. Loneliness in its plainest form is a constant state of fear hovering at the core of the individual’s body. What gladdens me to know is this is a topic that is widely discussed. As it becomes increasingly prevalent in a world more widely interconnected but ironically less social, so too should our awareness and understanding of it keep up its pace.
But in spite of the clear links between the increasing prevalence of things like social media, the ,ore prolific consumption of technology and online material, and the escalation of this condition, the central answer to the question, “What is Loneliness?” is less obvious than some might think.
Backstory: a while back I happened to have a free semester on my hands, being a rather astute analyst with my life I made plans for side projects, potential student jobs etc. But I was above all aware that I would have to make more effort to socialize because, as much we students would like to say that we are responsible adults in an adult environment, campus life is still a lot like school life: a lot of stuff is there for us already notably a setting conducive towards hanging out, social support, and forming bonds.
When a few months had passed the loneliness began to show itself and I felt all of the emotional weights described above as well as the sense of perplexity. Why was this happening when I used to always enjoy my time alone and actively kept a small circle of friends?
The response: there was a logical explanation towards this novel dilemma. So in a rather a scientific fashion, I reviewed times when I actually was spending time with other people. I realised that loneliness set in rather quickly soon after these sessions of company. What’s more, loneliness existed even during these sessions!
However, during the occasional unexpected lad’s weekend sleepover or whenever I bumped into someone I knew, no such feelings surfaced. Why?
Upon reviewing and further reading into this rather painful state of being, it finally clicked. However, though I illicited some relief from the eureka moment, the implications punched me right in the gut.
If one can spend plenty time in the company of others yet feel like the emptiest soul on Earth but then spend relatively less, more or the same amount of time with someone else and feel like his energy bank has been fully replenished, we can therefore conclude that the culprit lies not with some exterior factor since no pattern recognition can be found. Instead, the reason lies within ourselves.
People are lonely not because they actually socialise less, but because they are thinking about how they socialise less. Loneliness is subjective in origin.
One could argue that there are other factors that need to be taken into account: maybe it depends on who you’re meeting; is it someone new or is it the same person again for the millionth time? Perhaps the feeling varies from person to person if taken into account their personality: are they more introverted of extroverted; are they usually outsiders or used to being very popular?
However, whatever the variables and circumstances may be, we all have the same brain and the simple solution is to just occupy it. We need to train our brains to not think about it by keeping them busy rather than remaining so pensive about how spend our time away from others or in front of an electronic device.
Is this a nightmare for the deep thinker?
For a great number of people who spend their time deep in the depths of the intellectual labarinth, the bi-product of such a lifestyle is that you develop a heightened sense of self-awareness. You are mindful about who you are and know relatively more about how much of the world around you functions. To add another more layer on this cake, you are very aware of your hyper self-awareness.
Loneliness, it seems, has the potential to hit such people where it hurts the most and yet also teaches society a very important lesson that can help humanise people commonly percieved as intelligent. That lesson: intelligence is not a superpower. It has its disadvantages that less mindful people don’t have to suffer from. The very thing that can lead people to intellectual greatness can also be what causes an identity crisis or can lead to depressing times. Were such a person ignorant and had just kept their mind occupied, loneliness would be less likely. For the more rational minded, they must learn to regulate their self-awareness whereas before they learnt to value open-mindedness at all costs.
One final argument that can be pitched against this is suffering from some loneliness is important for growth and maturity (for everyone, not just deep–thinkers). It is the most abundant, the most simple but none the less one of the most reliant points to put forward: by letting the grandest of teachers – experience – take the reins, we are forced to firmly implant hard-learned lessons into our minds in which the pain with which we learned them guarantees that we are not soon to forget them. Loneliness sucks, but it is also convenient and can act as a reminder to be wise.
In my case, I learnt a lesson commonly taught but notoriously difficult to follow: to appreciate those around me more for the everyday support they give and to recognize social support as the greatest weapon a person has at his disposal when life throws us daunting challenges and upheavals to face.
But that is not all, looking back at the nature of what it is to be profoundly self-aware and deeply analytical, my brief experience of this solitudinous state of being has led me to ask an interesting question: are things like high intelligence and mindfulness really the best personality traits a human being can acquire in his lifetime? Are there better ones? Does it depend on circumstance?
Image: Solitude by Jean Jacques Henner (Public Domain)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness#/media/File:Jean_Jacques_Henner_-_Solitude.jpg
Quod Idea 
